The most important rankings of the college football season are finally here.
New Year’s has finally come and passed, and with it the remainder of college football’s bowl season schedule (sans next Monday’s national title game of course).
There’s a one week break from the CFP semi-finals until the championship tilt. After that final game concludes fans around the country won’t have another real live game to look forward to for nearly eight whole months.
It’s the cruel reality of this sport that so many of us love. Somehow the final minutes of any single game can seem to last for an eternity, yet the season itself almost always comes and goes before we know it.
Thankfully before a long, cold, dark offseason sets in we’re afforded one last brief reprieve between games of consequence to dissect and discuss the truly important elements of the wonderful sport we call college football.
And amidst said window I can’t think of a more pressing, important conversation to be had than ranking this year’s bowl games based upon the delectability of their title sponsor.
That’s right folks, in a time-honored American tradition we’re going to be ranking favorite foods. And there’s hardly a moment to waste as I’m only growing hungrier with each proceeding keystroke.
Now thankfully all 43 bowl games of the 2023 season do not contain food products in their names/title sponsors.
Myrtle Beach (Bowl)? Not a food.
Radiance Technologies (Bowl)? Also, not a food.
The same goes for RoofClaim.com and the like.
Instead, we’re left with a list of 12 — sort of. And it’s from that group that the following (and definitive) rankings will be drawn from.
You’re welcome.
12. Duke’s Mayo Bowl
Created circa 1923 in Greenville, South Carolina, one of life’s greatest mysteries remains the fact that anyone on earth would willingly ingest Duke’s or any other brand of mayonnaise.
Tantamount to cruel and unusual punishment, I feel violated on a deeply personal level any time the preparer of a dish that I’m about to consume fails to disclose the presence of mayonnaise on it, in it, or anywhere near it.
I have nothing against the people of Duke’s, whom I’m sure are decent enough. That said, I strongly question the morality of their distributing this heinous product — and for profit no less!
This was by far the easiest selection on the list.
11. Avocados From Mexico Cure Bowl
The widespread proliferation of avocados is one of the more baffling food phenomenona that I’ve taken notice of during my time on this earth. And now, quite frankly, it’s much too late to stop it.
I’m not repulsed at the mere mention of it (see mayonnaise), though I do find myself growing increasingly hostile in the face of apparently everyone else around me being completely enamored by the damn thing.
Mexican food, toast and whatever other products avocados have now overwhelmed in America were just fine without them.
I run a queso/salsa-only household. So, while I applaud the fact that many have found it within their hungry hearts to ‘adopt’ guacamole as a third food child it simply isn’t for me. I would resent that adopted guacamole child and couldn’t possibly give it the love and support that it deserves — from someone else.
10. Wasabi Fenway Bowl
The first of a few shall we say…liberties…that I may or may not take with my list, the Wasabi Fenway Bowl is not in fact sponsored by the Japanese horseradish product of the same name.
Instead, this particular Wasabi deals in data/cloud storage.
(BORING.)
Regardless, its far more recognizable food-related cousin earns it a spot on this list because I make the rules around here. Got it?
Though not itself a product that I will avoid at all costs, wasabi still finds itself at #10 because I will only subject my palate to its taste when absolutely necessary — namely, when an otherwise delicious sushi roll happens to be adorned with it.
Look, I’d be polite and give a head nod or even a brief ‘hello’ if I passed wasabi in an empty hallway. That said, we’re not going out for drinks after work, much less vacationing together over the holidays.
9. Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl
Simply put, I never have, nor barring dire unforeseen circumstances ever will drink coffee.
Black, brown, sugar, no sugar, ‘ice’ it, top it with copious amounts of whipped cream, ‘infuse’ it with your extra pumps of caramel and heck knows what else — I do not care.
Having said that, do I still judge the coffee-obsessed community in an admittedly harsh manner? Absolutely.
I find you all to be troublingly reliant upon this ‘drink’ — if that term can even be accurately applied to the $15 breakfast shake sinkhole that I’ve heard so many 20-something’s claim to need simply in order to “start their day.”
However, in the interest of fairness I can’t in good conscience drop it any lower than ninth on this list because I’ve simply never tried it.
Do I know for certain that I’d hate it as much as I hate the idea of it? No.
So, number nine it is.
8. Pop-Tarts Bowl
A 1963 invention by the Kellog’s Company (they’re pretty good at this stuff), Pop-Tarts were certainly around my house growing up — the strawberry flavored variety in particular.
However, I would say that their presence had far more to do with my older sister than it did with me. If there was a pre-packaged breakfast item of choice growing up for yours truly it was more than likely Eggo Waffles (another Kellog’s product, but not a bowl game sponsor).
I appreciate Pop-Tarts’ place in the broader food lexicon, but it can rise no higher than number eight on this list for me.
7. Cheez-It Citrus Bowl
A staple of the road trip diet, Cheez-It’s are as reliable of a snack as you’ll find.
There’s also the element of varied flavors/textures which give it all the more appeal — and in theory could’ve pushed it to even greater heights in these here rankings.
Unfortunately, amidst my arduous research for this project I stumbled across a troubling revelation that I’d long-since feared may be true:
It wasn’t until my college years that I discovered the wonder of Hot and Spicy Cheez-It Grooves, and upon moving away afterwards I held out hope that my being unable to find them in a new city (and a new grocery chain) was simply down to some poor regional distribution luck.
But now I know that it wasn’t poor luck on my part, but poor decision making by the brass at the Kellog’s Company who gave it the axe altogether.
Even still, there are too many good qualities to the Cheez-It name for me to penalize it any further, so number seven feels about right.
6. Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl
Arguably the defining cereal of my youth, Frosted Flakes and the GRRREAT Tony the Tiger absolutely warrant inclusion in the upper half of my rankings.
They taste great dry. They’re even better in a traditional bowl of milk. And when there’s no more flakes left to scoop up with your spoon the frosted residue in the leftover milk makes it an absolute delight to slurp down all by itself.
Kellog’s Co., you did it again.
5. Famous Toastery Bowl
An east coast restaurant chain established in 2005 in Huntersville, North Carolina, Famous Toastery is, as you might guess, most ‘famous’ for its all-day breakfast/brunch menu.
Of course, it would hardly be fair to award credit to one of these bowl games for an entire meal. So, we’re limiting number five on this list to encompass solely the bread-based item of its namesake.
And I love toast.
Sure, it has qualities all unto itself. But toast’s greatest gift is its ability to serve as a vessel via which a multitude of excellent culinary combinations can arrive at one’s pie hole.
Butter, peanut butter, jelly, peanut butter and jelly, eggs on toast, and that’s just the start of a near-endless list that one could conceivably compile.
Toast rocks.
4. Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
In the spirit of the last four-team edition of the college football playoff this committee of one truly anguished over the selection and subsequent ranking of the final quartet of bowl games on this list.
Strong arguments for each of them existed to perhaps even stand alone at the top, but ultimately in this decision-maker’s eyes the fourth slot was to be filled by the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl.
As versatile of a vegetable as you’ll find, the potato pretty much delivers in all of its forms.
Baked, mashed or hashed — you’ll never hear a mum word from me. French fries? Yep, they count too.
My all-time favorite Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner side dish is my mom’s twice-baked potatoes recipe.
I almost feel guilty ‘just’ having this at number four.
3. Chik-fil-A Peach Bowl
As a lifelong Midwesterner, I, like so many others, was late to the game when it came to the wonder of Chik-fil-A.
Simply put, the product is undeniable — even if I don’t believe for one damn second that on each of my visits it has actually been ‘their pleasure’ to serve me my meal.
You can spare me your nuggets, your ‘signature sauce’ and plenty else that I’m sure resides on the menu. It might even be quite good!
All I need is some waffle fries and a chicken sandwich (traditional or spicy) with absolutely no pickles to be found.
That’s it. There’s really not much else that needs to be said. It might be as close as one can get to perfect singular product.
Of course, if you were open on Sundays…
2. Capital One Orange Bowl
One could argue this is the second ‘cheat’ of my list so far.
(One would be wrong, of course. But one could certainly make the argument.)
The only problem is that while ‘orange’ may not be the title sponsor of this bowl game, it just so happens to be the actual bowl game. Like hell I was going to leave it out of these rankings.
Orange is my favorite flavor.
I’m convinced that our household growing up was directly responsible for what I imagine had to be sizeable profit margins for the orange Gatorade division of PepsiCo Inc.
I love Sunny D.
I love orange Tootsie-Pops, Mike and Ikes and Starbursts.
I love mandarin oranges.
Funnily enough I’m not the biggest fan of traditional orange juice, but we can talk about that another time.
I like the color orange — not all over the place like some psychotic Tennessee fan — but the right hue in the right amount really catches my eye.
I might’ve changed my name to something that rhymed with ‘orange’ if such a thing existed that wasn’t just the word ‘orange.’
(Changing my name to ‘orange’ itself would be a little too on the nose, don’t you think?)
Truthfully, it’s a bit of a shock that the Orange Bowl didn’t wind up reigning supreme in my rankings.
Then again, as I check my notes to confirm my upcoming top-ranked selection I suppose it makes all the sense in the world…as much as any of this exercise makes sense that is.
- Allstate Sugar Bowl
Sometimes the best answer is the most obvious one.
You know, obvious like sugar = good.
If I felt the need to conclude this list with a lengthy, comprehensive rationale behind my top ranked squad I could, but come on guys, it’s the goddamn ‘Sugar’ Bowl.
There’s no need to waste anybody’s time here.
(That’s what numbers two through twelve were for lol.)